Hartshill Hayes 13/14 April 2018





1.45pm
Arrived at Bethany around midday. The house is cold and dark. I am sad, this is a sad thing to do. Now I'm in the Hayes and I don't really feel like it. My stomach aches, which could be the strange food I've been eating the past few days, or moving about too soon after eating, or trout pate that hadn't been kept in the fridge. I hope not the latter. Also, my feet aren't happy. Because I've been travelling around the country the past few days I didn't bring my wellies. Instead I have my walking shoes - the ones I walked over five hundred miles in - but I want my wellies - it's muddy, slimy underfoot, grass is wet - and I don't feel intrepid, I feel like I'm trying to keep my feet dry. It's not the same. We'll see how this afternoon goes. I'm coming back in the morning. So I could do two or three hours now, then more in the morning. I feel like I should stay for sunset, or return for sunset, but I might leave that for next month. Anyway, the bluebells are coming on nicely. No flower spikes yet, but the leaves are full and lush, and I think the flowers will come along soon. I'll walk now and see how it goes. A lovely dog just went by. I think it was called Sparky. Full of bounce. The woods are fairly buy. It's school holidays, afternoon. I think I'll like it better tomorrow.



2.30pm
Slip-sliding around. I really miss my wellies. Have found it's better on the small, less trodden paths. The main rides are really churned up. My stomach still aches, and I feel rubbish. I just found a small patch of wild garlic. I don't remember seeing garlic in these woods. It was a bit pathetic. I wonder if it was planted.



2.55pm
Really don't feel well. Could it be the trout pate? I only ate it just before I came out, so that would be pretty fast. I want to go back to Bethany and curl up on the sofa and read. But it won't be right. I want Mum and Dad to be there. I want it to feel safe and lovely. But it won't be like that. It will be bare and cold and dilapidated. April it not my favourite month. May is my favourite month. April is cruel. Sometimes it snows in April. There are buds on the trees but no leaves. Summer isn't here yet. The bluebells are only leaves. The path is muddy. It's not cold, but not warm either. I met a dog who wanted me to throw sticks for her. I'm going to walk back through the woods and then I'll try and find some comfort back at the house.





NEXT DAY



9.30am, Hockley
Hasn't worked out quite as I thought. It must have been the trout pate. In the evening I was violently sick and had diarrhoea. I haven't been sick for years. I set my alarm to get up pre-dawn - but I went back to sleep - and felt quite sorry for myself when i got up. I read until after eight, then made myself get up and go out. Somehow found myself going to Ansley Common and Bretts Hall Woods.



Funny how you can feel completely in the woods, even when it's only a tiny wood, and you know just out there is the open field. You feel enclosed , held in that woodland world. I thought about those men, Deakin, Maybe, MacFarlane, and how they have a different experience than me.




I read a Sharon Olds poem about how she couldn't walk in the forest through fear of rape. It's a powerful poem. I showed it to Johnny and he was shocked. He's a man, like all those Richards and Rogers and Roberts. It doesn't even occur to him. But especially in unknown woodland, that's kind of uppermost in my mind. I think its really important to get across. It's a real part of the experience for women. There are people approaching, I can hear voices, I am on alert. They have dogs, which is a relief. And they might not be coming this way. i'm about to walk up the lane through Hockley to Galley Common and Plough Hill Road. I want to know if the ribbon factory is still there. After that I'll head up to the Hayes.





10.30am
At Hartshill cemetery now. Yesterday I brought narcissi from Bethany to put on Mum and Dad's grave. They were in bud, but I kind of hoped they would have opened this morning. Some had, but they will look best in a day or two. I wonder if anyone will see them.



The ribbon factory is no more. Behind a hedge there were some broken walls, which I assume is what's left of it. I'm quite sad. I was surprised how close to tears I was when i realised. It was a dream we had once, to renovate the ribbon factory - which was beautiful - and live there in Galley Common. We were never going to actually do it, but it's still sad, a dream in ruins, grown over like Sleeping Beauty's castle. Further into Galley Common, up the road, they're building a new development, a housing estate, and it's called Ribbonfields. Ha! I was wondering where on Plough Hill Road the zoo used to be, then saw another housing estate called The Zu. How strange. It answered my question though.




Wood pigeons. Sunshine. People visiting the graves of their relatives. It's really warm. Sarah M says it's a lovely cemetery. I would have said it's fairly ordinary. But it's certainly peaceful today.
Right, through the woods and then home.




11.00am
Just a quick one before I head back to Bethany. Sun shining, warmth, it lights up the central ride. People, dogs, volunteers working in the pond. Suggestion of summer. How soon before there are butterflies? Hoping to come back next month with Johnny to do some quadrats, actual surveying. Next month I will get up before dawn. Next month I will not be ill. Next month will be May, the best month.

11.40am
First bluebells out in the Hayes! Hurrah! Also, wood anemones at Bretts Hall in flower. In the Hayes, only leaves still.




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